Suzie: Welcome to sharing my truth with Mel and Suzie. The uncensored version where we bear it all.

Mel: We do 1234.

Suzie: Hello, hello, and welcome back to sharing my truth pod. You're listening here. You're tuning in to Mellon Susie radio, going old school with. And here's a cute little friendly reminder to subscribe. Subscribe to this little podcast. Give us cute little five stars rate and review. Give us a nice little. What did you think? What do you think about us? Tell us the mean and the ugly, but also the nice and the pretty, because we have very fragile egos, obviously. Hey, babes, how are you?

Mel: Hi. I don't know how to follow that.

Suzie: That is so.

Chantal: Hello, darling.

Suzie: Thank you for *******. We just had an amazing little interview.

Mel: We did.

Suzie: Can you say the name? Because Mel speaks French and she will not butcher the name like I will. My God, Mel, you make me. That is what we talk about in this episode.

Mel: But no. Yes.

Suzie: We just had this amazing interview. And what is she? Mel, please introduce.

Mel: She is a love and relationship coach.

Suzie: And she really does more than that, though. Like, she just wrote this amazing book, which is going to be out. We're going to hopefully her book launch, which she invited us to, which I.

Mel: Feel pretty cool, actually.

Suzie: But no, she's incredible. She's coming out with a book. She has some amazing advice on her instagram that she does these really cool and informative reels with, of just, like, how to find love, how to date properly. Just like loving yourself first before you can actually find someone and give them everything that you want and then how to get that back. Does that make sense?

Mel: It does.

Suzie: Did that make any sense there?

Mel: It did. Good. A lot of people have a lot of trouble with love life. They do.

Suzie: And that's okay.

Mel: Well, it is okay. It's a bit **** for them, but, yeah, it's okay.

Suzie: I mean, she's super cool because she used to be a wine person.

Mel: Well, yeah, I guess she's touching all the senses. Okay.

Suzie: Yeah, she's so cool. She does these relationship seminars that are also with networking, which also brings in her wine, like, her love for wine, which she had a huge career. Huge and successful career in wine. And obviously she's french and gorgeous, and obviously it just makes so much sense. It does. But, yeah, she talks about her being single for 18 years after she broke up her long distance. Not long distance, her long term thinking.

Mel: Quite young when she was 26.

Suzie: Yeah.

Mel: And then couldn't find a full time, long term, whatever relationship until much later in life. And what that journey was and then realizing what the issues were and that she had to sort of do some work on herself, and then she's imparting that knowledge on other people.

Suzie: And I think that's what a lot of people are dealing with right now. And I think 2023 has kind of brought to us.

Mel: I think a lot of people have massive relationship issues, problems dating. I mean, that's all you see on Instagram, isn't it?

Suzie: Yeah.

Mel: People actually generally getting quite angry about it. And I'd say on the whole. And that's probably because of what I'm seeing on the whole. Is that not a thing?

Suzie: No, I love that. Please say whole more.

Mel: On the whole. Can't say anything.

Suzie: No, I love it. No, I just love you whole, not.

Mel: Whole as in a whole. This is on the whole.

Suzie: Did anyone else hear a difference? I don't know.

Chantal: Maybe.

Suzie: I'm going insane. Go ahead, Mel. Sorry, love.

Mel: What was I talking.

Suzie: I don't even know, but she was very on the hole. On the hole we might do with a glasses of wine. She would be very proud of us right now. On the whole, what I'm talking about. This is, like, absurd anyways.

Chantal: But she told. I know what. I know what I was talking about.

Suzie: Go ahead, love.

Mel: Go ahead.

Suzie: Okay.

Mel: That wasn't deep breathing. I can't do deep breathing.

Suzie: Okay.

Mel: I feel so much better on Instagram.

Chantal: Thank you.

Mel: On the whole, it's women being very angry at men.

Suzie: Yes.

Mel: Because men can't commit. Maybe that's my thing that I'm seeing.

Suzie: That I don't think women can commit either.

Mel: Yeah, well, exactly. That's the point. Right?

Suzie: Like, women can't commit because we are too high maintenance. Sorry. But we are. And men can't commit because they can't deal with how much they have to work for ***** anymore. And we're like, sorry, you gotta. That's the problem.

Mel: Yeah, I think there's something in that. Oh, my God. I think you figured it out.

Suzie: I have. Obviously. I'm a genius.

Mel: Okay, stop. Everything. She's figured it out.

Suzie: Obviously. I learned everything from Miss Jean.

Chantal: And.

Suzie: The way she's obviously taught us everything we know about love and life and marriage and relationships and cheating  and divorce. Yeah, that's pretty much what we all go through. We also talk about red flags and we talk about her amazing advice to if you're dealing with maybe a relationship problem or some dating problems, you're kind of stuck. You don't know what to do. She talks about it.

Mel: Yeah. I think it's very helpful. And if you really are feeling, oh my God, I want to meet the one. I'm never going to meet this person. Yada, yada, yada. She's a very good person. To kind of reset the way you think because you may think, oh, you have it all straight in your mind and you may talk to her and ah, maybe I have to look at myself.

Suzie: Great idea, Mel, don't you think? I do think.

Mel: Yeah.

Suzie: So we talk about self awareness.

Mel: Self awareness.

Suzie: Can everyone get a little bit more self aware here?

Mel: Oh, I wish the world ******* wish.

Suzie: Just like pick your *** up. Stop walking slow, slow in front of me.

Mel: Get the hell out up.

Suzie: Pick your *** up.

Mel: Your ***.

Suzie: Your **'*** is an ****.

Mel: There's an *** or an ***? An *** is like a donkey.

Suzie: Okay, we'll pick your donkey *** up. Get the hell out of my way. Oh my God. Anyways, being a little more self aware. Anyways, we're going to shut the **** up because we have an amazing episode for you guys and it's going to start. It is right now. Enjoy.

Chantal: Well, it's great to connect. I'm so excited. I love your duo. I think it's such a genius idea. So I was looking forward to this conversation.

Suzie: Us too.

Mel: Us too.

Suzie: Thank you so much. And seriously, I know everyone is so busy. It's the new year. It's really amazing and we're so happy you reached out. We have so many amazing questions for you and your incredible journey. And all I've been doing so far is just creeping your instagram and just like, I love your reels. I absolutely love what you talk about. I think it's so important. And obviously I know you and Mel are closer in age, but I think it's so important for any woman of any age, but especially women like my age as well in their twenty s. I think maybe we're going to get right into it, if that's okay with you. We would love for you to just tell us a bit more about yourself. Tell our audience about you, our listeners about really what you do, how you got started. I'm sure they're going to love the story.

Chantal: Perfect. So my name is Chantal Landreville. I am French. So sometimes you might hear a little bit of a queaky accent or I'll have a blank and try to think in French. But I'm like, you're speaking in English, girl. So I am a love and relationship coach. I focus on helping people learn how to be in relationship, ideally before we go into relationship because through my own personal journey, which I will talk about. I realized that we've never been taught anything, not only about not being in relationship, but we've also never been taught anything, really, about what love means and what you really need love to be for having a successful, long term, healthy relationship. So I started this. So I was in the wine business for the wine 20 some years.

Suzie: Did you know that?

Chantal: I still do. Who doesn't? We'll get along. I need to invite you ladies to my next event called let's wine about love, but we'll talk about that later. So through being a salesperson, I think one of the talents that I realized that I had very quickly was of being a very good listener. And when you're a good listener and you're interested and curious about people, they will literally vomit their lives to you. So I naturally developed this therapist thing going on with a lot of my clients, a lot of my peers and stuff, and I loved it. And I've always been a bit of a self development junkie. I have a massive quench and thirst to always learn, and that was the area that I was really thriving to get more and more and more. So in the last 20 years, there's not much that I haven't read, attended. Name it, I've done it. Tantra. Ayahuasca. Vipasana. I was just like, I've tried, and I've just been curious about everything. So the problem was, I was single for 18 years and couldn't seem to figure my own **** out. And for about ten years after, because I was in a long term relationship, very young, from 19 to 26. And I think about, I just had my birthday yesterday, and I was feeling younger than when I was 21. I look back at pictures and it's like night and day. It's crazy. And I was really living this massive adult life later in life. So young, and a lot of it being conditioned, right? Because a lot of what we're taught, especially in my generation, was that little container. So it's like, go to school, get a university or college degree, find your person, get married, buy the white picket fence house, have kids. Like, just this little bubble. And I never fit in that bubble, but it was hard to fight against it when all you're hearing around you, being from a small town especially, that's what we're seeing. So I left my relationship at 26 years old because my partner at the time did not accept who I was and had a real massive issue with my big personality. But when I first met him, and I'm taking the time to share the story because we'll talk a lot about this being a particular problem when people are dating and in relationship, pretending and accommodating someone because they want to be liked or loved. And he was older than I was. So coming small town, I'm learning all this stuff about culture, about food, about wine. So I've obviously looked up to him, but when I started stepping into who I was and being my personality, it was an issue for him. And I was like, I can't be with someone that doesn't accept me for who I am. So I ended up leaving, did this massive list of everything I wanted to experience, and that list took me ten years.

Suzie: That's just amazing that you were able to really even do that, even focus on that, like you were self aware enough to even want to do that. That's awesome.

Chantal: Yes. Like I said, I think a bit. My thirst to learn and being curious kind of steps up in every area of my life. So ten years roll through. I partied, I did it, I experienced, I went through the list, and then I was like, okay, I'm ready to meet someone and get a little bit more serious. And that journey took another turn for its own because I just couldn't seem to attract the right person. I was really good at attracting long distance relationship, married people, younger guys, where I would kind of know that there was no emotional long term availability. Quickly to realize that I was my own problem. And I'm sure you will relate to this, and a lot of your audience will relate to this, but one of the things I kept being told was I was too intimidating, I had too much of a big personality. Maybe your standards are too high. So of course, when you keep hearing this, you question and question, what's wrong with me? Is there something wrong with me? And I think that there's a two part answer to that. There was something wrong with me. I was my own problem where I thought I wanted to be in a relationship, but my heart was protected with a massive rock. And this is something that I see with a lot of women wanting to be in relationship is the fear of commitment, the fear of vulnerability. And they all come with. You have to have an open heart if you actually want to experience what true love is. So, well said. Yes, seriously.

Suzie: I think we all know at least ten women that are like this that you want the best for, but you're.

Mel: Like, oh, yeah, you need to give.

Suzie: It up to get it kind of right. Would you agree with that?

Chantal: Oh, 1000%. I just finished writing an article that was a lot of the different generations, what were the dating trends for 2024? And as I was doing my research, because I wasn't super familiar with Gen Z. And so it was a really great exercise for me to do as I went through the different generation. So there's two things that are very common. No matter what the trends and no matter what your age group is, there's never been a need for more or want or desire, I should say, for human connection, deep human connections. But there is a disconnect because there's never been a time where people are so fearful of the connection. They don't want to give their time. They don't want to invest their heart. They don't want to open their heart because of. Out of fear of being hurt, being disappointed. And the thing is, that is something that if you want to experience, you need to open your heart, and you need to take a chance, and you need to face the fear, basically. So it was really eye opening for me to see that. And that's some of the stuff that I talk a lot about in my book, how to kind of navigate through that, because I've realized that what we have been taught about love is very rom.com and disneyfied.

Suzie: Totally.

Chantal: Think about what we see still today on tv. So we are in love with the idea of being in love. However, what we've been taught that love is, is not enough to sustain a long term, committed relationship, not the idea of what we think love is all about. So with the book and how I teach things, I'm trying to disrupt, to see love and relationships from a different eye, from a different perspective. Instead of being in love with the passion, the lust, the butterflies, which, I mean, is great, but that's not what sustains a long term committed relationship. And anybody that's been in a marriage for years or has failed or not, it's like this, right? It comes, it goes, and you need to work at it. What if we would change the angle of how we approach them and then build that with time instead of giving everything from the beginning, which is what we tend to do. Right.

Suzie: And that's, I think, a great way to get. Melanie, you have a question?

Mel: Yeah. It's interesting. You said so many things there that I could connect to personally, or I could think of friends who've been in that situation, like you said, that you were with your partner until you were 26, and then there's a long gap. I can think of several of my friends who are in that situation. Then they couldn't find anyone. You talk about the intimidation issue. I can think about friends of mine who just could not find a partner. And we just friends around that person just couldn't understand. You're so attractive. You've got a great career. You're funny. But why can't you find a man in this case? And I can think of one friend in particular. She was very intimidating. She met the love of her life, had a baby later in life, and she's a completely different person. It's so interesting what you're saying. So it sort of leads to. I mean, this is like, kind of a bit of a loaded question, but in terms of, for women, what are the sort of main things do you think that you need to attract? Well, I guess we're talking about men, but to attract a man, what is it then? What's the magic source?

Chantal: Well, there's a lot of them. And first off, it's self awareness. You mentioned that word earlier. And for me, even today, in my own relationship, having that awareness of understanding myself so well, why I act the way I do, why I have the beliefs that are, why are the patterns there? So I can work through on a much quicker base, through my own **** or the situation that is happening within the relationship or when you are looking. So, for example, in my case, when I said that, I realized I was a part of it. Is that my subconscious mind, because of work that I did, and when I did, I went through a deeper form of therapy, realized that I lost my father when I was two. So for me, the first love of my life abandoned me. So men subconsciously, in my little brain had registered that men abandon you. So this was a way I was subconsciously choosing emotionally unavailable men because it was a way for me to protect myself and stay in control. I knew subconsciously it would never work out. So I was setting myself up for success and my failure. So when I realized that, I was like, oh, my God, the problem is this. When we've identified our beliefs, our patterns, our behaviors, they typically have been there or they're part of our dna, right? So in my case, I understood this. I was almost 38 years old. So to rewire the brain to change that is the second part of the work that you need to do. And typically, what I say, it's kind of like a muscle you need to develop. Like anybody that would want to lose weight or become really great at a sport, or you need to work at it and slowly develop the skill, the muscle, whatever that may be. So I needed to create a new vision on how I would approach men. I needed to make sure that I worked on opening my heart because I was my own issue. So I'll talk about vulnerability, which I'm sure a lot of your audience and women. I love it so hard. So being a Taipei personality, high achiever, success in everything I was doing in my life and leaving the house very young. So for me, I was very self reliant. I was very independent all of my life. I had nobody to rely on. So it was me, myself, and I. So at one point, I remember my roommate in my late 20s, early 30s, was like, chantal, if you can't be vulnerable with your own friends, how the hell are you going to even be vulnerable one day in your relationship? And that was literally like an aha moment for me because I was like, she's absolutely right. So how did I start practicing vulnerability was I identified a friend that I felt safe with that I literally had the conversation saying, listen, I'm working on my vulnerability piece here. This is what I need from you when I will come to you because it will already be really difficult for me to open up, share if I'm having an emotional breakdown or whatever I'm dealing with. So the friend was, okay, this is what we're going to do. And I started practicing and it was so hard. I remember the first call, I was just like, I don't need it. Screw it, I'm going to handle it on my own. It's what I'm used to do. Go be the hermit. No. Pushed myself. And that took a good eight months for me to start feeling better about it and saying, you know what? This is actually nice to be able to talk through with someone and not being on your own. And that led to a second friend and that led to a third friend. And then I started doing that in my workforce. Being able to speak my truth when something wasn't happening or I couldn't handle it instead of being afraid of being judged or whatever. So what happened is that I developed my muscles. So by the time I did get into my relationship, it was much easier for me to accept receiving with a loving heart, open heart, much easier. And to be honest, it's easy for me to retract back to my old ways. But because of that self awareness, and I know what I need to do. The inner chat that can happen. I talk about this in the book too. Like that inner chat that you need to create in your own head under 5 seconds to, no, no. This is your old you. This is the no. Story. You're choosing to say, this is who you are. You've built your new tribe. You don't need to do everything on your old. That's the old version of Chantal.

Suzie: No, totally. I mean, I love that you brought up vulnerability because I think that's especially nowadays where as a woman, I mean, I can only speak as a woman because that's what I am.

Mel: But.

Suzie: Yeah, but I don't know, there's just like, that thing in you. And I, like, not obviously, this isn't for every woman, but, I mean, I've dealt with it where I'm like, I felt like I was very self reliant from a long age, and emotionally as well, where I was just like, I don't need this. I don't need anyone. And I had a long list of men I was with that I didn't really care about, they didn't care about me kind of thing. And I've been with my long term boyfriend for over eight years now. But I still find it difficult to be vulnerable.

Mel: And it's not just with him, but.

Suzie: It'S like with everyone else because I don't want to show any weakness. And I don't know if you find that. Mel, I know you've been in your relationship for a lot longer than I have.

Mel: Yeah, it's interesting. I think the thing is, especially in the world we live in today, as women, we've been conditioned to not be vulnerable because we're supposed to be self reliant. We're supposed to be the boss, babe, and the mother and the love, and we're supposed to be doing everything. And especially, I feel my generation, Gen X, I'm 51, is like, we were the women. We're not going to be like our mothers. We're not going to be like our grandmothers. We're going to work, we're going to have children, we're going to have amazing husbands, great sex. Like, we're going to do the whole.

Chantal: Thing, and then we're like, ****, there.

Mel: Are only 24 hours in the day, how am I going to do this thing? And I think then we've inadvertently taught or our children, our daughters, the same kind of thing. And on the cycle goes, and I think all those things you've talked about, I can think about that in my own marriage. I mean, I've been married for 23, 24 years. I've been with my husband for 26 years. We met when we were very young. And, like, you're talking about becoming self aware, and that's something I have 1000% have had to work on and had to keep going. Okay. And I have to really think about what I'm doing here. And especially, like, arguments or things like that. Like, no, this isn't worth, this is worth it. This isn't worth it. And you really have to understand, and I don't like the word work at relationships, but you have to do put the effort in. You've got to keep somehow pushing more of yourself in when you don't want to, and then pulling back, like when you're being angry or aggressive or whatever it is. But you've said so many things that I can just relate.

Suzie: I mean, I would love to know, as a woman of today, what is the best advice to give to women to be more vulnerable, because we're so tied up, we're so uptight.

Chantal: And you said, yes, we are. So I think as Mel pointed out really well, how it's like it was the extremes, right? Anything in life, we've been taught you need balance. And I think that's where it's key is finding the balance. You need to know where to be that independent, strong, self reliant doesn't mean you have to be all the time in every area of your life, especially the combination of a man and a woman. And you would know this, Mel. And I love that you said work. I get that a lot, that people don't like work. So I often try to remember, push myself to always say, invest nice, invest in it. But I think that vulnerability, for me, from what I've learned as much as people said, a weakness, it's actually a massive superpower. It's a superpower because let me tell you this from personal experience, I left the wine industry last May to focus on my business 100%. So I jumped ship. I left this corporate business that I had been in. I was working for a great company, great salary, like everything, amazing in such a great industry. But my heart was being pulled to do this. So we've decided as a couple that my partner would support me. Can I tell you how hard that was for me just to actually go ahead with the decision? And it took me almost a year to be able to accept it and process to learn to receive it. However, I will tell you this when I say, power of vulnerability, to feel so safe and supported. But you need to have that open heart. You need to have let yourself be vulnerable. To receive the gift is something that is unbelievable. Like, I never thought I would experience the kind of love I'm experiencing today. And this is five years into my relationship, I don't have the 20 some years that Mel has yet. She has some advance on me.

Suzie: They're the cutest, too. You should see them. Like, they're going to come to your little wine networking thing and you're like, who are these little cuties who have just their little soulmates? It's unbelievable. How do you find your soulmate?

Chantal: Yeah, that's awesome. Well, how do you find your soulmate?

Suzie: How do you. What is the best advice for that?

Chantal: God, there's like one read the book that I. Yeah, I mean, you're saying.

Suzie: Such good advice, obviously, be vulnerable, be self aware. Do you know what you want or do you kind of not know what you want until you get it? How does that work?

Chantal: Thank you very much for saying that. So one of the things that I actually teach and talk about in the book is get clear on the vision. Because most people, when they're in love, they're thinking about what they want. And especially from a partner perspective, they don't think what they need. So want is typically, I describe it as very self absorbed and superficial. I want him to be financially well off. I want him to be funny. I want him to cook, I want him to dance, I want him to travel. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Where needs are literally like air. They're deal breakers. You can't live without them. And there's a difference between wants and needs in a partner and wants and needs in your relationship. How am I going to grow? How do I want to grow and evolve in my relationship? How do I want to be taken care of? How do I want my partner to show up for me when we're going to go through financial issues or when we're dealing with our kids, what are our value system? And I would say every single time I work with women and I ask them to, do you know what you want? Yes. We start very vague and everybody seems to have the same vision. Trust me. It's like very general. And then I ask these questions and they're very confronted because they're like, I actually didn't think about this. Well, if you want to experience a long term, healthy, committed relationship that actually gets better with time, these are really important things that you need to start doing and getting them clear. And I talk about getting so clear that you develop an eagle eye vision. That's like, eagles have a better vision. There's like the best vision on earth. I think it's 24/7 where when you'll be dating, the clearer you are in your thing, the less you will compromise yourself. You will not get blindsided because you really, really like him and you want to be liked. And you know what? Now it's okay that he's like that. I can shove that **** under the rug and he'll change with time, or I'll change him, which happens all the time. We get caught up in the passion and the lust and the convincing ourselves as well that it'll all work out instead of paying attention and listening to that little voice that's giving you the red flag saying, you know what? That's not it. And I'm saying this because it happened to me. And I teach this stuff in 2018. With all the self development, all the self awareness, all the work I had done, I decided that year I was going to Europe, meeting the man of my dreams. I met him, and I ignored every single red flag possible that I knew. My voice was telling me because I got caught up in the fairy tale. I literally got caught up in the fairy tale. So that's why the clearer you are on the vision and that you do this homework, then you go into dating with a different attitude, because this is the second thing people go into dating, wanting an outcome. I want to find my person. Is this the person? Is this the person? Instead of going in, having fun, giving theirselves time to get to know someone, and observing themselves with all the things that they've identified that they do wrong. Right. So we typically, in my case, I was emotionally, so how do I need to change that? So how can I make sure that I don't repeat the same mistake? So, self awareness, getting really **** clear on the vision of not only of your partner, but of the relationship that you want to build and create. And then vulnerability. Vulnerability is definitely how I'm there yet, but thank you. And then one question that I love for people to ask themselves is, what is your relationship with love, and what do you want your relationship with love to be? Because when I started and did all my research to find the program and the book research and stuff, that was one of the questions that I asked all the women I met with, I had done many table talks, and I was asking them, like, what is love? And funny enough, one, the descriptions were so up and down everywhere, all over the place, but it was never about us. It was all about everybody else, which I thought was really interesting. So number three, self love yourself, honor yourself, respect yourself so much that you will stick to your boundaries, that you will not be afraid to communicate what your needs are. Right? What are your needs? Most people are afraid because again, they don't want to be rejected, they want to be liked. So it's all of those things, little things. And it sucks to say I almost take away the sexiness out of.

Suzie: I think that's so important.

Mel: I mean, what you've said reminds, that's exactly what I did. I think that's why I found my husband and your, I love that thing that you talked about, also about your father and that he died when you were young. And I was personally looking for somebody who was the complete opposite of my father, who was a philander and everything else. So I think in my head it was wired to find this person because I just didn't want, I knew what was wrong and what was bad because I had a living example in my father and I wanted the total opposite. And it's interesting, like what you're saying. I was clear on what I wanted, what I didn't want. And one thing I say to susie all the time, here we go. I said to lots of young women, my daughters, young women, is this thing about compromise that people talk about all the time. I'm like, hang on a second. Compromise. You have to compromise in a relationship. But compromise is what do you want to have for dinner tonight? Or should we go on vacation to this place? Not this place. To me, it's not about sacrificing yourself. So like, I know a few friends who've sacrificed. They wanted children and the man didn't want children and they've sacrificed that to me. That isn't compromise. You can't compromise the big things in your life or you'll ultimately be unhappy. But you can compromise little things. Of course you can because otherwise you'll remind you. Ridiculous. But I think that compromise thing has become very confused by a lot of people.

Chantal: Melanie Mann, you rock like your wife does rock. Yeah, you really do. Because that's actually great. I talked about this yesterday. There's a difference between compromising your needs, your own personal needs, and compromising in a relationship. Very different worlds. Very different worlds. So there will always have to be compromise in relationships where, as you kind of describe, but compromising, like, again, the vision of the relationship. If one of your needs is I want to have children, this is a need. You do not want to compromise yourself. And I think people compromise themselves all the time. All the time pretending to be someone they're really not. And this is when it comes biting you up a couple of years down. I always give the example of that boy meets girl, boy says, I love Sunday night football. Girls, like, in her head, holy ****, I hate football. But you know what? I really like this guy. So, yeah, I love football. She starts watching football with him every Sunday. Six months a year go by, and then they finally move in together. And then she's kind of nudging, and it's like, do you really need to watch football? And he's like, what are you talking about? And then a year and a half, two years go by. She loses her **** one day and says, you know what? Give it up. I can't stand you watching football. And the guy is like, dear, a headlight saying, I don't understand. I've told you since day one, I love my football, and I'm not compromising that. So convincing themselves that they will change and accepting something that they never really wanted to, so very important, actually leads.

Mel: To a question I have. Do you mostly see, are most of your clients women or men or couples?

Chantal: So I started. Most of them are women. Most of them are women. I really, really want to work more with men. Men need more help, and not in a way that they need more help. It's because they are not naturally askers for help like women are. We're more curious, and we'll go for it.

Suzie: And I can't.

Chantal: Yeah, I can't keep elevating. I love it. You can't keep elevating all these women that are doing the work and not have the men do the same thing. I also work with a lot of couples in the last year and a half. This is something that came up because I call it relationship maintenance, and this is key. So not only do I teach how to be in relationship before you go into relationship, but you should be doing the work when you guys are rocking it, not when you friggin hit rock bottom. And what do people do when they want to go to therapy and they want to go, they're having issues in the relationship. They wait till **** hits the fan. So build a toolbox that you know exactly how to navigate before you hit the ship. So work with a coach, a therapist, whatever the hell that is, to give you guys a toolbox. And I always say, when we're talking about Melanie investing in our relationships, not working. But one of the things that Jeff and I had decided was when we first started dating was, like, we want to hold ourselves and our relationship to high standards. And one of them was investing once a year into a form of workshop event that we go together to grow as a couple, but to also grow as individuals, because that can happen, too, right? People grow as individuals, and the other one's not doing the work and they separate. Yeah, that's really important. Do that before.

Suzie: I love that. And I also want to ask you about, because obviously, I think what we've seen in 2023 was a lot of celebrity breakups. I don't know if you heard, but there's just a lot of, I think, changes going around. And I want to know if you have any insight on why do people break up. Is there one big reason why so many people break up? Is there some things maybe, like, red flags that you can talk about at the beginning as to why people break up? Should we be breaking up sooner?

Chantal: Maybe.

Suzie: I don't know. What are your thoughts on that?

Chantal: Well, again, the thing that's the most common cause is that people get blindsided and accept things that they would never because they get wrapped up in the fantasy. And the love lust, they really, really do. That's the biggest thing, is that we don't communicate our needs. We're not clear on our vision. We think that we'll be okay or that it'll change or it'll evolve or whatever. We also move in way too quickly. Like, things move way too quickly. I call it the. Oh, yeah, the fire straw. You don't know someone in three months and six months in a year. Like, you don't. So if you really want to develop a true connection. So this is one thing that I had done for the first time ever when my partner and I met, we were both on the slow break runner. I was like, there's no rush. I've chosen not to have kids. So I was like, I don't need to move fast into the relationship. I want to make sure I take my time and get to know this person. And he had had a very nasty divorce, so was even slower than I was. And what that allowed us to do is not lose ourselves. And this is what people do when they find their new love. They like, oh, my God, I want to see you every single night. So they forget about their friends, they forget about their activities. So they just like, it's them locked in, where if you feel that you found the right person, what's the rush? You will have the rest of your life to do **** together. You have the rest of your life to slowly get someone to be seduced about who you are. I always say, it's like when we start dating and we really love someone, it's like, okay, we shave, we put nice underwear, we dress up, we put the lipstick, we do our hair. And then we kind of settle into our relationship and we get lazy. We take each other for granted. We stop shaving our legs and wearing our nice underwear, getting expensive.

Suzie: Come on, girl.

Chantal: So it's like, what about really investing, investing into the long term effect of things? So people are doing things too quickly and getting wrapped up and not really getting to know who the person are. And the other thing is that we all come with baggage in relationship. We all have our ****. So if you haven't done the work and don't understand how you react or get triggered in a relationship, then they always say that you typically get your own mirror. If you haven't done that work, you might actually be meant to be together, but you're not equipped to know how to manage and handle the crisis, the argument, the reaction. So I'll give an example, a concrete example. I'm a massive control freak. And my control issues got to a point where I got shut down many times by my friends. And luckily I had people that loved me enough to call me out on my **** because I would scream, I would lose my **** when things wouldn't go be going my way. So it was really bad. So I worked really hard to calm down. And when things still today aren't about to go my way or don't happen the way I want them, because I wanted them the way they did, I get triggered. But because I know how I am and because I've worked on my stuff, I have that inner chat, and I can take a deep breath, say I need to go for a walk, instead of taking it out on my partner, which doesn't need to pay for my issue at all. So I think it's a series of things like that, that people don't know themselves enough or understand how, again, they don't think how it's going to grow together long term, because **** will always come back, especially when you're in a long term relationship. It's all the everyday stuff that tends. It's the little stuff. And you said earlier, melanie, what really matters. I love that you say that, because I talk about this in the book. When you're doing your vision of your relationship, you really have to think what really matters. Because in an everyday relationship, when there's the routine and the kids and going to school and the stress and no time, it's like, am I really going to argue because they didn't load up the dishwasher properly or take out the garbage?

Suzie: I am really mad about that.

Mel: I'll give you an example. I've been married for life. I said, so long, and 100 things like my husband is incapable of doing is he has a shower and the towel. He just sort of puts it on the rail and scrunches it all up, and it drives me bananas. And this has been going on for years. And it would annoy me at the beginning, and it sounds so petty, but it's the petty things that build up.

Chantal: Yes.

Mel: And then I was just like, **** it. Excuse my language. Who cares on the grand scheme of things? It annoys me. It doesn't annoy him. So I straighten out the towel every day because it annoys me that he doesn't do it. He's not doing it to annoy me. It's not his thing. And that's a very sort of small example. But you have to, in a sense, grow yourself, mature to know these things about yourself, something I've learned. And you become reflective and you understand. And you talked about triggers as well. My husband and I now know the things that trigger me as a person individually from my past, him from his sort of childhood or whatever. And you back off when the thing, like my trigger, for example, makes no sense to him. His trigger makes no sense to me because they're based on what's happened to us in our individual past. But we have to respect those triggers and understand that, okay? This thing really riles him up. So you step back, and the same with me, but it takes a lifetime to learn these things.

Chantal: You said it.

Mel: It takes a long time.

Chantal: It takes a long time. And so to answer your question, Susie, why do people break up so quickly and they don't have the set of tools to go into a long term relationship and don't know what it actually entitles and takes to work through this stuff and all of the little example, like she gave, I mean, it's literally what kills relationship is the little things. We always laugh. I like my bed done first thing in the morning, and I do it perfectly. Jeff gets up and it's like a mess. And he gets up usually after me, and I'm like, oh, my God. And on his side, he loves a clean sink. I tend to clean my kitchen, but I'll put everything in the sink. So we both get annoyed by that. But we started and we found our. You have to laugh. That's so important. You have to have a massive sense of humor, and you both obviously have it. But it's like, okay, I realize that at the end of the day, if I want my bed to be done the way I want to make myself happy. I need to do it and same as him. So we both take ownership for these things because it's not worth it. Exactly. That's not where it's worth it. So these are things. And when I was saying earlier about the disconnection between wanting human deep connection and then not wanting to invest, these things only happen when you give yourselves time to get to know each other and respect each other's past and understand how to adapt to your triggers, to your reactions, on how you, and maybe work through it as well. Right.

Suzie: That's why I think it's not breaking up people. I mean, I brought it up a little bit and I want you to.

Chantal: Walk me through it, too.

Suzie: And I want to know your maybe because you had talked about red flags, about maybe a previous relationship or something. And I want you to tell us what are the biggest red flags? Are there any big ones? Is it like someone being kind of a narcissist and you're like, maybe we should hold up on that? Or someone really not talking or handling your boundaries and the way that they should or what are the biggest red flags that you see people coming to you with of the relationship? They think it's fine and you're like, this is a red flag.

Chantal: Yes. So, number one, it's very different for everybody. Your red flags might not be the same for me, depending on who you are in your life and your personality. I just want to make that clear. The second thing is that if you don't take the time to set that list of what are your needs or your boundaries. So that's where self awareness again comes in, really being clear on what is it do I need? How do I want to be treated? So my needs and the way I want to be talked to might be different than yours. So that can have an impact on the kind of red flags that come in. Right. You might tolerate a certain kind of behavior, and I won't because I know that long term wise it won't. But definitely, if we talk about Maine, if you want to be with a good character person, a red flag for me is how does somebody listen and pay attention to the environment? Are they cutting people off? Are they dismissing them? Are they demeanouring them? Because I can always say that's why I love to tell women when they date, observe, observe the behavior, observe yourself and observe how they act and react to different situations, to different conversations. Because if you are able to do that and learn to read in between the lines, you can pick up a lot of information about someone's character very quickly. So definitely on how somebody listens, their communication style, do they scream? Do they lose their temper quickly? Are they possessive and jealous and ask you questions and are always on your case? Because that can also develop as extreme overload. At the one point, are they very self centered? Do they care about you? Do they actually have an interest to know about you? Because I hear that a lot. Sometimes when people go on dates where it's a one way direction conversation, and this is where intentional conversation comes in and learning to ask the right questions that dive a little bit deeper to understand where the person's at, what kind of work they've done, how self aware are they. It's really important. So red flags. Have you been? In my case, it was someone, and I don't want to judge this, but it was a red flag for me. It's someone that had two different children with two different women under. One was eight, one was four. So on a very short time window, both really bad relationship with both mothers. So that, for me, says right away, doesn't know how to communicate, probably has no idea how to compromise in relationship. There was definitely a culture problem. So I'm trying to think of other red flags. So it really depends on who you are and where you are. But there's fundamentals like respect, communication, self acceptance. Does somebody really let you be who you are or is trying to demand for you to show up? In a way, do they show interest? Do they want to actually bring you in to their own world? To their world?

Suzie: No. I love that. Exactly what you said. First, observe how people are, and it's so important. And once you start doing that, you can't stop doing that. And it's really crazy. Obviously, you worked in wine. I used to be in the restaurant industry and everything like that, and I observed a lot of people when they're sober and when they're drunk. And I think that's also very important because that can also bring up a whole bunch of other issues. And so how people treat people sober, how people treat when they have had a couple of drinks in them, because I was a bartender for so long, how people treat the service staff. And like you said, that's so important to me. And also, it's a huge turn off, right? You start seeing these things and you're like, oh, my God, if she can't get wet, then what is the point?

Chantal: Listen, I totally agree. It's a massive, massive turn off. And it's just that that shows how other kind of behaviors can come out, right? So I totally agree.

Suzie: Sorry to interrupt. I was just going to say, if you're finding that someone, because obviously you deal with a lot of know they're not getting turned on anymore. Because Mel and I have spoken about low libidos, things like that. Do you deal with people who are like, I'm not really wet for this person anymore. How do I fix this? Or are you like, maybe it's the guy, or maybe it's just a low libido. Like, how do you see that kind of change? That difference? That difference?

Chantal: Oh, man, that can be another podcast episode. Just about that. But I would say it really depends on where the person's at, right? Have they been in a long term committed relationship or not? Do they feel safe and women for us to get wet? I think, you know this, there's a massive emotional safety required to really let the juices flow. So if we're not feeling connected in any way, that thing, the cookie goes dry. Like God Dowel, like massively dry. It could be so many things, especially my age group. We know it's the pre menopause. Menopause. So much fun and so much fun. So I think it really varies on the situation, and it's too varied to actually give an actual yes or no. But definitely if you're in a long relationship and you haven't also, because this is the other thing, too. When it comes to the libido and the bedroom sexiness, that, too takes investment. And I think that when people either experience massive, high, intense sex from the beginning and then it dies down, right? It's like, how do I sustain that fire? So they expect the lust to be what it was at the beginning, and this can happen and it's okay and it's normal, but you have to, again, invest. Like, do we plan date nights? Do I wear my little skanky outfits like I used to at the beginning? Maybe we need to do a tantra course and class together. Maybe we need to buy some toys and have fun and play with it. Create, like a new activity to create different, because you can't always have the same, same kind of get dry. So it's like, how do we grow and change and evolve into that? So I think it's a combination of many, many things. And that's, again, where I feel that people aren't equipped with the right toolbox to know. And again, they wait till it's like I get the dry spell until doing something about it, knowing, what would we do if this would happen? Like, if this is going to show up. How would we deal with it? What do you think we should explore? What tools do you think that we should put into place?

Mel: Yeah, we wait till it's broken and then we think we can put it back. Mean, I say this to susie all the time. I think life does get in the know. You're so busy and if, like me, you're working, you've got lot. It's a lot. And I think it is, particularly for women. We get very. For some, men are much better at compartmentalizing their life than women are. And I think that can cause a lot of issues because we just let it go, let it go, let it go. And then we're like, oh, ****, I got to do something about this. I think we could probably talk to you forever.

Suzie: It's honestly ridiculous. I hate that. Even, like, it doesn't. Like, we've talked for so long and I'm like, I don't even understand where this time is going right now. This is ridiculous.

Mel: We've talked forever and we should talk for more. I mean, it's so interesting. And we're clearly going to have to speak to you again because otherwise we're going to be here all night. I know, and I think what you're saying to me, I can so connect with so many things that you've said, and it's just exactly that. It's such good advice. And so many people are flailing around and why and how do they get and their expectations and how do they.

Suzie: Actually meet and how do we stop having toxic relationships. Right. Like, you just got to start loving yourself, being self aware. Right. Being a little bit more vulnerable. Scary.

Chantal: Yes. Get clear on your vision. Understand why you show up the way you do in relationship or not, your patterns, your behaviors or beliefs. And the last thing I would say that we didn't really talk about was, you need to understand and go digging into your childhood because we search for parents when they talk about the mama's boy syndrome, or it literally is that. So you need to understand those things to see what your relationship with your dad, with your mom, them together. So that explains a lot of who you are in your current relationship. So massively important. And then take your time. Slow it down. Slow your role. 2024 should be about slowing **** down. Why are we rushing? Why are we rushing? There's no rush. Like, if you are looking for a long term deep connection, slow your role. Slow your role. Get clear on your vision so you can have time to let your heart open up and feel safe to do so. Because that's a must to be in a relationship and observe when you're dating again, love it. Get clear on your needs. Understand the difference between needs and wants in a partner in a relationship, and then understand what are the. Get familiar with the fundamentals of what you need to succeed in the long term relationships. Things like I mentioned earlier, respect, communication. One thing that I talk about in the book is that has been a game changer for me is thoughtfulness and kindness. Think about that's so huge. It's massive. Because when I think about these words, it just squeezes my heart totally. And so if you cultivate that amongst each other all the time, the more your partner thinks about you and is kind to you, what do you think you want to do? You want to return it, right? So it creates this tenderness in a relationship that's beautiful, because as you said, life gets in the way. Stress, ****. Like, it's really easy to find thousands of excuses. And when you have that into place and you feel that tenderness, it transforms how we get up in the morning and treat our partner.

Suzie: We always ask one last question on this pod, and I think you're going to have a great answer because obviously this journey for you has been coming from 26 years old and obviously before. But like, in the spirit of sharing truths, as we do on this podcast, and since Mel and I are of different, is we want to know what is one truth that you would share with your younger self?

Chantal: Oh, my God, so many of them. But the one truth is, do not hide behind who you are and do not be afraid to be who you are, because you are worth every single ounce. There's nobody else like you. You are unique, so really own your worth. I think there's such a lack of self worth out there. We all suffer from it in different areas of our lives. And that kept me from being in a relationship for a long time. It was my lack of worth. Even though I thought I had it, I really didn't. So I would definitely say, especially to younger women, the more you cultivate your worth and self confidence, it's a game changer. Because then when you go into relationship, it's not a need to be in a relationship to complete you or to give you what you're missing. It's an added bonus. It's just this, like, holy ****, I'm so good, me. But this is like, holy ****. Beautiful ad. Like, it's a bonus. It's like that extra butter on your.

Suzie: I like all of the butter. I like all the fat. I like all of the sugar. Give me it all.

Mel: It should make you happier, not happy. Yeah, you have to be happy to start with and the right relationship will make you happier, but not happy. And many people are looking for happiness in a person, which is ludicrous. You got to find it in yourself. I know. We all do it well.

Suzie: Gosh, I know. I love you so much, Chantel, I want to squeeze you. Please invite us over for wine. Mel has great taste. She will bring a best bottle. I will just drink it.

Chantal: I'm totally taking you up, ladies, on that. And I would love, love to invite you to the book launch. You're both in Toronto, if I'm not mistaken. So I would love to invite you on February 14 to the official book launch. What are we going to do on Valentine's Day? Let's drink and exchange together and pick up my book. Raise your love signal. A guide to attracting and keeping the ultimate the love of your life.

Suzie: Yeah, exactly. I want to give you a little time to plug everything you possibly can. So give us your instagram. Give people where they can find you, our listeners, because obviously they're going to want to talk to you about all of your amazing dating advice. So please give it a go.

Chantal: I love you girls. You're so amazing. Thank you so much for what you're doing. So I can be found on my website, raiseyourlovesignal.com. It actually has all of my social handle, but I am the most active on Instagram, which is at chantalmyname Laundreville. I think you'll probably have that in show notes and then I will actually be putting up a page next week with the presale of the book. So raise your love signal. A guide to attracting and keeping the love of your life is literally the best of everything I've learned and the hundreds of thousands of dollars it's cost me in the last 20 some years under a small book that's super easy to read that will help you from yourself to, if you're in your dating journey, to making sure. As I said earlier, we want to make sure it's already super hard to attract the right partner. Let's make sure that you're set up for success when you do and you jump into your relationship. So there's the abcs of dating and learning all about the fundamentals to put into place before you go into relationship.

Suzie: I absolutely love that. And obviously for our listeners, for our audience, we are going to ask you guys what you guys love about this. What more questions do you have for Chantal. And obviously we want to bring you back Chantal because this is so fun and we can talk too much more and maybe we'll have wine next time we do it or something. But yeah, this has been an absolute blast.

Mel: It has been fantastic talking to you. So inspiring and yes, yes, I agree with that. I agree with that.

Chantal: Yeah.

Suzie: Thank you for being so open about your journey. I know it's really hard and I find myself being open, but it's really tough and especially about the childhood things, the stuff that we don't want to be vulnerable. So yeah, thank you so much for doing that. And I'm so excited to read your book. It's going to be so great.

Chantal: Thank you. I'm excited too. I'm not going to lie.

Suzie: We'll see at the book launch then. Definitely.

Mel: So good to meet you and we will see you soon. It's been a pleasure. Have a good rest of your evening.

Suzie: Thank you so much. Sharing my truth pod is so excited to partner with vibrator.com where the a in vibrator is the number eight. This is an extremely exclusive code where no other podcast has it. If you go to vibrator.com right now, use the code MS 15. That's MS 15. At vibr8tor.com, you can now get 15% off anything in store that's any sex toys for you, your partner, your neighbor, your mom. We don't judge, we don't care. Get it now go to the link in our bio, put in the code and get jiggy with it.

Mel: Thanks so much for listening. Please rate and review this podcast and follow us on social at sharingmytruthpod and leave us a voicemail on our sharingmytruth.com, to share your stories and experiences with us. We'll see you next time.

Suzie: Bye bye.

Chantal: Three, two, one. Channel.